This election brought out emotions some of us didn’t even know we had. Mine were on a giant wheel in my head that my subconscious spun every few hours to see what extreme I would jump to next. And it looks like I wasn’t alone. Famed chef and Food Network staple Alton Brown showed a different side of himself Monday night. Alton is known not just for solid recipes but for a more scientific approach to food and preparation. Every dish comes with some historical perspective and, if we’re lucky, a cheesy dad pun or two. Sure, he’s always been fun and quirky but the eve of this highly stressful election broke our stalwart honey lover. Alton descended down a wormhole of food barbarism, we didn’t know if he’d come back.
Things started gentle enough:
No matter what happens tomorrow, we’ll still have tiny chocolate doughnuts.
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
Nothing seemed amiss. Lord, who hasn’t turned to the siren’s call of the waxy chocolate seductresses when things get rough? The next tweet was Alton’s first step off the path:
I'm seriously thinking about @LittleDebbie
#NuttyBars and cigarettes. Honestly, like at the same time.
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
I won’t lie, cigarettes have been very much on my mind too so while this caught my attention, I was still willing to simply titter at the imagery. The next tweet, however, there was no mistaking – Alton had dipped his toe in outlandish waters. And from there, he disrobed and dived in:
So many Food Network people are like "oh, I'm going to braise short ribs in elderberry jam…" Screw that, I'm going to mainline moon pies and snort cheese powder!
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
I'M TALKING ABOUT PIPING SPAGHETTIOS INTO STALE TWINKIES AND EATING THEM NAKED IN THE SHOWER WITH A BOTTLE OF JAEGER
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
I HAVE 17 CANS OF DUNCAN HINES FROSTING AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE THEM. BACK THE HELL OFF!
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT CRAZY LOOKS LIKE? I'VE GOT MARSHMALLOW FLUFF AND THREE FEET OF GARDEN HOSE! YOU WANNA DANCE?
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
I'LL DEAL WITH YOU AS SOON AS I'M DONE WITH THIS CAPT CRUNCH SITZ BATH.
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
TWO WORDS: RANCH…STINGS.
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
MURDER HORNET FONDUE
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
HAS ANYONE ACTUALLY EVER MET A "JOLLY RANCHER"?
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
YOU WANNA EAT WITH THE DEVIL IN THE PALE MOONLIGHT? FINE…EAR WAX.
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
PRINCE SAID IT BEST "LET'S GET CRAZY."
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
SWISS FREAKIN' MEATBALLS FOR EVERYONE
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
GRAPENUTS ROCK…ESPECIALLY WITH HALF N HALF AND SCOTCH.
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY MORE.
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
CANNED FRUIT SALAD AND CHEEZE WIZ WITH HERSHEY'S SYRUP AND GIN
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
I want you to go out right now and buy Fritos and cat food.
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
Turn off the lights and run 23 Slim Jims through the juicer.
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
who's with me?
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
I SAID "WHO'S WITH ME"?
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
Of course some of these are simply irresponsible. Like the Murder hornet soufflé – is that a cheese, oil or chocolate fondue? Because if not prepared properly, a murder hornet can be quite bitter. And what type of cat food for the Fritos? Wet to dip them in or dry to make a mix? I absolutely concur with his Grape Nuts and Half and Half assessment. I have yet to try that combo with scotch but if it’s Alton Brown endorsed, I should at least hear the man out.
Maybe Alton indulged in some libations, maybe it was just too much processed sugar or some form of cigarettes. Or, maybe, like the rest of us, he simply needed a few moments of pure levity to ease the crushing weight of anxiety that loomed over this country coming into this election. Our constant and unwavering focus on the US’s political pulse has left us wound up tighter than a drum and maybe we should all howl at the moon to release some of the toxic dread swimming inside us. I say go, Alton! I hope he and his followers road this wave as far as it crested and when it was over, they fell back in exhausted relief. Just as long as he didn’t actually eat ear wax.
Also, if anyone is looking for a holiday gift for me, a t-shirt with, “I’VE GOT MARSHMALLOW FLUFF AND THREE FEET OF GARDEN HOSE! YOU WANNA DANCE?” is all I want from here on out.
Thank you to The Wrap and DListed for the story
Photo credit: Instagram and Twitter
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